|Posted by anne on July 26, 2013 at 3:00 AM|
I love my friends!! I spent a couple of nights layed out flat in Fall Creek with my friend and her beautiful son. I learned about a new kind of parenting style where the child's needs drives the relationship. I have never had the experience of asking a 3 year old to stop touching me a certain way (head bonks, jumping on me or whatever) and have him/her stop the first time asked. I hear my friend negotiating agreements with her 3 year old sort of like she would with any relationship, setting boundaries, and holding him to what he's agreed to. Boundaries around personal space are discussed and the feelings involved become primary. When I see my friend rasing her beautiful (anglo) baby in such an emotionally rich and engaged way that is non-coercive, not very hierarchical at all (considering it is a parent child relationship especially!) I am very comforted about what the future may be like. By raising a male to respect the boundaries of others, and to care about their feelings as important is wonderful and at 3 years old, little O.. has more emotional intelligence than some fully grown men. I feel so grateful to know such brilliant folks. Sometimes I wonder at my luck. I have been through a lot of childhood hell, and everyone I know has, and we're all kind of brilliant misfits. I love my peer group. We engage our healing and work deeply to be resiliant and come to the place where we can ring out the tone of our beautiful excellence and not the continued patterns that our traumas from childhood brought us. I find this wonderful.
My friend says, "I approach polyamory this way: instead of trying to shove every relationship I have into this little box of how society says I should have relationships: THE ONE intimacy that does everything for me... and I simply pay attention to the important relationships I do have for their own unique goodness, and nurture them in the specific ways they're calling for and value them for exactly what they are."
I find this brilliant. It's very easy to say the fight for equality right now has to with making sure everyone can join in the dyadic coupling up, even gays. Yet what I hope for the queers of today is that we keep working at enlargening our basic unit of family to include us in dedicated groups like queer family tribes. It has nothing at all to do with sex! Why should my primary relationships be defined by who I have sex with? Shouldn't it be, instead, who I trust to have my back every time, or who inspires my soul to greatness? Perhaps these are not my sex partners!! Since the nuclear family (a very new invention of the modern world, actually) is very exclusive and involves one other person only, it is obviously unstable. One person dies, or leaves, and the other person is devastated. In a group of 6 individuals there is much more stability by design. If one person leaves or dies, the group can continue to function for the other members. Who knows how it will all wind up. I'm okay with the idea of being with one person, but I don't think it's the most enlightened or functional possiblity. To create a new structure of society, why not start with the fundamental unit: the family? Not the easiest life path, but what else are the brilliant young going to do with themselves? We can focus our lives around money, but what fun is that? What will that change? I love my beautiful misfit freaky community, but I also want us to manifest enough wealth, all of us, so we don't have to worry about survival any more. We deserve that. There is a balance to reach, surely.
Riding down from Fall Creek was wonderful. Little Fall Creek, gurgling in places, in some places spread out over the rocks like a great field of water, trees sprouting out from everywhere providing me with shade. The warm green smell blankets me. Several days activating the mobile bike spa with my friend in Springfield (and her two awesome kids, swimming in the river and eating raw pie and such) and the next phase is on me!
My rad friend Kim joins me in Springfield for a day ride to Crow for a party. That up next!